I'm Sorry, but I need a Cloak First
by Lil' DeiDei
Summary: Naruto Shippuden 122: They all have cloaks. Why? Naruto will not fight the Akatsuki until Tsunade gives him a cloak, and Sasuke is determined not to lose to Itachi in any way, so Team Hebi must have cloaks too. Parody. No Pairings!


The following story is brought to you by Jill's strange and slightly demented mind. The ideas within are all her own, though the characters are owned by Kishimoto Masashi.

This takes place during/after episode 122 of Shippuden, where everyone has a cloak. Odd.

**I'm sorry, but I need a cloak first**

"All right, you will go on this mission with Team Eight," Tsunade said as they waited in the rain.

Jiraiya smiled excitedly at everyone and said, "Good luck! We will succeed in this mission!"

Naruto pumped his fist in the air. "Yes! We will bring Sasuke back!"

"Naruto," Sakura said, "our mission is to get an Akatsuki member, not Sasuke."

The blonde ignored her.

Hinata watched him with worried eyes.

"Shut up, dobe," Kiba told Naruto. "You're going to burn all your energy before we even leave."

Naruto glared at him. "I'm not a dobe, baka. Besides, I'm not tired and I won't be until we get the Akatsuki."

Kiba snorted. Akamaru barked.

Kakashi and Yamato exchanged a glance.

Shino remained perfectly still.

Sai scribbled furiously in his notebook, attempting to write all this down so that he could review it later and learn more about bonding.

"All right," Tsunade said, once again bringing the attention back to her. "You may leave now. Enjoy the mission," she told them.

They all turned to leave, except Naruto, who remained where he was with a frown.

"Naruto?" Sakura said from a few feet ahead. Everyone stopped walking and turned to look back at him.

"What's wrong?" Yamato asked.

Naruto remained silent, his hand under his chin in a thoughtful pose.

"Naruto!" Sakura said loudly, trying to draw him out of his thoughts.

"Naruto-kun…" Hinata quietly said.

Tsunade had little patience for being quiet, and she marched over to him.

Surprisingly, Jiraiya made it there first. "NARUTO!" he yelled at his apprentice, shaking the boy hard.

Naruto looked up with surprise. "Oh!" he said.

"Geez, where were you, you baka?" Kiba said.

Sai frowned in confusion. "But Naruto-kun didn't leave," he pointed out to Kiba.

"Oh, I was thinking…" Naruto said, before he trailed off to 'go' think some more.

"Yes?" everyone asked in exasperated tones. Akamaru barked.

"Well… it's just an idea, but…"

"YES?" they yelled at him.

"Sheesh! Sorry!" Naruto stated, backing up quickly with his hands raised in front of him to demonstrate his wish for peace.

"WILL YOU JUST SPIT IT OUT?" Tsunade yelled at the blonde ninja.

He grinned at her. "Sure. I think we need cloaks."

"Huh?" was the general reply from those present. Tsunade discontinued her angry-bull charge towards Naruto, Kiba and Sakura fell over anime-style, Shino, Yamato, and Kakashi blinked, Hinata quietly whispered the blonde's name, Sai just stood there, and Jiraiya began laughing.

He fell to the ground, doubled-up in laughter.

Everyone ignored him. Except Sai, who wrote it down.

"What do you mean, 'cloaks'?" Tsunade said in an admirable display of patience.

Naruto's grin grew feral. "Cloaks as in 'the Akatsuki have them now I want one-what if Sasuke has one too-I must not be defeated by him-kosu-dattebayo!' That type of cloak," Naruto explained.

"…" everyone said, while Akamaru barked.

"Well?" Naruto demanded after the short, awkward pause. "What do you think dattebayo?" he asked.

"…" Sakura said to Tsunade, who nodded.

Jiraiya continued laughing.

Hinata again whispered the blonde's name, although this time, it sounded more concerned, as if she was contemplating his need for a mental institution.

Shino continued to stare at nothing in particular.

Kakashi pulled out Icha Icha and began reading, apparently coming to the conclusion that they would be here for a while so he might as well do something he enjoys.

Yamato looked as if he was trying to decide what to think.

Akamaru barked.

Sai was still jotting this down.

"You're an idiot," Kiba said to Naruto bluntly.

Everyone nodded fiercely.

Akamaru walked over to the bushes to catch a squirrel.

"Hey, that's not fair!" Naruto protested. "You have to admit, their cloaks _are_ pretty cool. I mean, I'm not too sure why exactly they decided to stick red clouds on them, but the _idea_ of the cloak is just awesome dattebayo!"

Hinata was persuaded by this argument. If Naruto thought the cloaks were cool, so did she. "Yes, Naruto-kun, I can see why we would need cloaks…" she told him.

He beamed at her. "See? Hinata-chan agrees with me! We obviously need to get cloaks before we can go on this mission."

Everyone but Sai rolled their eyes. Sometimes, Naruto's obliviousness was annoying, other times it was dangerous, this time it was pathetic.

"Of course Hinata agrees with you!" Sakura said in an exasperated tone.

"What does that mean?" Naruto asked in a confused tone, as Hinata paled slightly.

Sakura sighed but did not say any more.

"Naruto, you don't need a cloak. Shut up and go catch an Akatsuki member!" Tsunade bellowed.

"But—but Tsunade baa-chan!" Naruto protested. "I want a cloak!"

"God dammit, you're like a little kid!" the woman yelled.

Kiba snorted and soon joined Jiraiya on the floor. Akamaru came back with something suspicious in his mouth, but no one questioned it.

"Rats!" Sai said. "I filled my notebook already!" He searched through his backpack and pulled out a small scroll. "I guess I'll have to use this…"

Shino continued to stare at the gates of Konoha.

"Well," Kakashi said, putting his book away, "now that that's sorted, I believe we should get going.

Yamato nodded his agreement and the two prepared to leave again.

"Well, I'm not going until I get a cloak," Naruto declared sulkily. He crossed his arms and sat down on the ground stubbornly.

Sakura gave him the evil-eye and pulled her gloves over her hands menacingly.

He didn't flinch.

Kiba and Jiraiya finally stopped laughing and stood shakily up.

Then they noticed Tsunade watching Naruto and they fell back down again. Akamaru joined them, laughing in his own dog-way.

"_Naruto_," Tsunade ground out in a dangerously low tone, "_get going_. _**Now!**_"

Naruto barely looked at her for a second, before more firmly crossing his arms. "No," he reiterated. "I want a cloak like the Akatsuki's. And I'm not leaving until I get one."

Hinata was unsure what to do. Her feelings for Naruto conflicted with her desire to prove herself a strong kunoichi. She flicked her fingers against each other nervously as she decided what to do.

Sakura stomped over to Naruto, no such qualms present in her mind. She just wanted to get on with this mission already. "Let's _go_, Naruto," she said.

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto said. He looked at her for a second before saying, "Sorry, but I have to have a cloak first. It's raining and we can't fight cool people without looking totally awesome ourselves."

"Baka, you're already sitting in the mud! You're wet and dirty, and even if you get a cloak now, it won't do anything because you're already filthy!" Sakura yelled.

"Don't care. Wanna cloak." Naruto spoke in clipped sentences, stubbornly focusing his gaze on the horizon.

"God dammit!" Sakura yelled, storming over to Kiba and Jiraiya, intent on punching them since Naruto wasn't bothered by her and they were just laughing and making the situation worse.

"Excuse me," a quiet voice spoke in Hinata's ear. She jumped.

"Y-yes?" she asked Sai, the owner of the voice.

"I was wondering if you have any paper with you. I have exhausted my notebook and my scrolls. If I use any more, I won't have any supplies left for the mission," he explained.

"Oh! Um, yes, please wait a moment," Hinata said, tearing her eyes away from watching Naruto to search through her bag for her notebook. Normally, this particular pad of paper was reserved for recording her observations of Naruto when she followed him around town, but…Sai seemed to need it more than her. "Here," she said, handing him the journal.

"Thank you." He fake-smiled at her and she weakly smiled in return.

"You—you two—you two look kind of drunk," Kiba said between laughter. Jiraiya guffawed loudly and then doubled over again.

Sai frowned at them, confused, but said nothing.

"I demand a cloak before we leave!" Naruto yelled at Tsunade, who had apparently decided that she was going to try to talk some sense into him.

Foolish woman.

"Why, dammit? They look stupid!" she told him angrily.

"What? No they don't! They are totally awesome! I don't like the color scheme—orange and black, with little frogs instead of clouds would be _so_ much better—but the cloaks are awesome anyway, and I refuse to leave until we all have one!" Naruto yelled back at her.

"WHAT? You said only you wanted a cloak just a minute ago!"

"I changed my mind," Naruto said simply. "You delayed too long and now everyone must have cloaks so that we can be the 'Awesome Team of Cloak-Wearers Coming to Kick Akatsuki's Ass!'"

"…That's a retarded name," Sakura said.

Naruto stuck his tongue out at her.

Meanwhile, in another country far away, Team Hebi was suffering similar issues to Team Kakashi and Team Kurenai.

Except the culprit wasn't Naruto.

"…And we totally need to wear cloaks!" Sasuke finished informing his team of his plans.

Karin looked at him. "…Why?" she asked slowly.

Suigetsu laughed. "Because they're awesome, duh."

Jugo looked bored. "No, they aren't," he said.

Sasuke glared at him. "Yes, they are. And I cannot be outdone by my brother. So we must wear cloaks."

"Wouldn't you want to avoid wearing cloaks altogether because your brother does?" Karin asked sensibly.

Sasuke turned his dangerous eyes towards her, and she cowered. "…No," he said.

"'No' what?" Suigetsu asked.

"No, I would not want to avoid cloaks altogether because of my brother. I will simply find a better cloak than those of his stupid nail polish-wearing club!" Sasuke told them, a manic glint lighting his eyes.

The other three exchanged nervous glances.

"Can we wear nailpolish too?" Suigetsu asked hopefully (and rather stupidly considering Sasuke turned his Sharingan eyes on him).

"Achoo!" Itachi yelled, sneezing very loudly.

"Wow," Kisame said. "You know, I always sort of expected you to be one of those people who sneezes like an annoying yappy dog. 'Anhhe!'" he mocked in a high-pitched tone.

Itachi glared at him. "Let's just find the next jinchuuriki," he said.

"Fine, fine," Kisame grumbled, standing up and dusting his cloak off. "These cloaks are so cool!" he remarked idly.

Naruto still sat huffily on the ground, ignoring all of Sakura and Tsunade's attempts to make him see sense on the cloak debate.

"Besides, even if we _did_ let you have a cloak, who in their right mind would let you put little frogs on it?" Sakura said, not wanting to admit that they were running out of arguments.

"Yeah!" Tsunade agreed loudly. "And what makes you think we would let you have it in orange and black if we _did_ let you wear a cloak?" she added.

Naruto smirked up at them. "Hmm," he said in a mock-contemplative tone, "it seems like you two are running out of arguments, since you're actually bringing up the pattern I mentioned earlier. I'm glad you are finally seeing sense!" He still did not stand up however.

"Oh, man, we really need to stop laughing," Kiba spoke to Jiraiya. "My sides are killing me!" Akamaru barked in agreement.

Jiraiya clutched his own stomach in pain. "Mine too!" he giggled out. "And my clothes are all dirty. I guess I'll have to go to the hot springs after all…" he said, then the two began giggling all over again, while gasping "ow, it hurts, stop, my sides" in between laughing.

Shino stared at them. "I believe they are in need of medical attention," he stated, though no one was listening.

Kakashi had long since pulled his book back out and he and Yamato were reading it and blushing at the content.

Sai's hand had cramped up and he politely asked Hinata to assist him in capturing the moment.

"Y-you just want me to write down what is going on?" she said.

He nodded.

"Okay," she replied, picking up the pen and writing down what was happening.

"FINE!" Tsunade yelled. "I'll let you wear a damn cloak. Wait here, you little brat!" She stomped off to the Hokage Tower with Sakura in tow, and Naruto did a little victory dance on the ground.

"Cloak, cloak, cloak, we have got cloaks!" he cheered himself on. Then he jumped up and ran over to Hinata. "Celebrate with me, Hinata-chan!" he said.

Hinata blushed deeply and dropped the notebook in surprise. "O-okay, Naruto-kun."

He grabbed her hand in one of his, then put his other hand on her waist, before quickly twirling her around, all the while singing what he had dubbed 'The Cloak Song.'

"Cloak, cloak, cloak, cloak! Cloak, cloak, cloak, cloak! I like cloaks a lot!"

Kiba couldn't breathe.

Literally.

Unfortunately, the only person to notice this was Jiraiya, and he was too busy laughing at Kiba's purple face to recognize the problem here.

Akamaru had wandered off to search for bunnies, but came back now. "Woof!" he said.

Shino glanced over. "Kiba?"

Kiba didn't answer.

Jiraiya kept laughing.

Kakashi and Yamato giggled at something in their book.

Naruto spun Hinata one more time, letting go of her hand, and looked over at the three in confusion. "Kiba!" he said as Hinata crashed into a bush.

Sai wrote this down, and included an image to be sure he remembered the expression on her face for research later.

Tsunade came back with Sakura and threw something at Naruto. "Here you go, dammit."

"Yeah!" Naruto yelled, forgetting about his concern for Kiba. He threw the cloak over his head and looked down to admire himself. "So cool!" he said in a voice oddly similar to a fangirl's squeal.

"Here!" Tsunade barked out at everyone else. "Take your damn cloaks so that Naruto will be happy and we can get this mission going."

Kakashi sighed and reluctantly put his book away.

Yamato stood from the bench he had created for them to sit on, and walked over to Tsunade. "What's this?"

"A cloak, you nincompoop!" she yelled. "What do you think it is?"

"It looks like a pancho," Yamato said.

"Or a potato sack," Kakashi added.

"Or a curtain with a zipper," Shino said, earning many odd stares. "What?" he asked.

"That's just an odd thing to hear from someone who wears a jacket down to his knees," Sakura said.

Tsunade glowered at them all. "These cloaks are beautiful. Now shut up and leave!" she begged.

"_I _like them, baa-chan," Naruto said, still admiring his grey-with-red-circle-stripes cloak.

"You damn well better!" Tsunade replied.

He smiled at her.

Hinata finally disentangled herself from the bush and came forward to collect her cloak. "I like them too, Tsunade-sama," she said, pulling it over her head.

Sakura put on her own and frowned. "This clashes with my hair!" she complained.

"Everything clashes with your hair," Sai said. "It's pink."

She glared at him and looked like she was going to beat him to a pulp but Tsunade stopped her. "Please don't kill one of the village's best ninja, Sakura."

"Fine," she agreed reluctantly. Then a wicked smile made its way to her face. Everyone stepped backward, except for Sai, who hadn't yet learned what that smile meant, and Kiba, who was still purple and now immobile. "Here, _Sai_, come put your cloak on," she said in a scary voice.

Sai smiled at her, then went to get his cloak. "Thanks, Ug—" he was cut off by the fabric being jerked forcefully over his head.

A strange silence followed.

"Bahahahahhaah!" Naruto screamed, folded over laughing, but trying desperately not to fall on his nice clean Cloak of Awesomeness.

Kiba sat up with a jerk. "What?" he said.

"Wow," Shino said as he put his own cloak on. "Of all the things to knock you out of your state of asphyxiation, it would have to be the sound of Naruto laughing at something you missed."

Kiba glared at him.

Sai glanced down at his cloak to see what had made Naruto laugh so hard. There was nothing there. Then again, Naruto was behind Sai. He quickly grabbed the fabric and shifted it so that he could see what was decorating the rear of his cloak.

Rear being the operative word.

All over the back of Sai's cloak were numerous stick-on plastic butterfly tacks. "What are these?" Sai asked.

Sakura was laughing as well, and she shook her hand to show she couldn't talk right now.

"They look like cheap butterfly sticker thingies," Kakashi said helpfully.

"I know that, but what are they doing there?" Sai asked again.

Kakashi shrugged.

Yamato looked confused. "How did you know you were going to get mad at Sai?" he asked Sakura.

She finally stopped laughing and said, "Oh, I didn't."

"Then who was supposed to have that cloak originally?" he asked worriedly.

She shrugged. "I don't know. Tsunade suggested giving it to Naruto, but I had the horrible feeling he would actually want to wear it, and instead of mentally scarring myself for life, I gave him an untainted cloak."

Yamato breathed a sigh of relief.

"Well, now that you're all cloaked out, get lost and kill Itachi, _please!_" Tsunade said.

"I don't have a cloak," Kiba said. He crossed his arms, annoyed.

"Not again!" Tsunade whined.

"Well, here we are!" Sasuke said happily. Well, as happily as one would expect an Emo-Dick with chicken-butt hair to be.

Karin, Suigetsu, and Jugo looked down at their cloaks and winced. "These are really ugly," Suigetsu stated boldly.

Sasuke glared at him, but Karin got to him first. "Baka! Don't say that about Sasuke-kun's cloaks!"

Suigetsu rubbed his head where she just punched him. "But you didn't even want to wear a cloak earlier!" he protested.

Karin was flustered. "Well, that's because I hadn't seen the cloaks Sasuke-kun had picked out," she covered for herself.

"I know I already decided to use a curtain as a shirt, so I can't really complain, but these are _really _ugly," Jugo said with a frown.

Sasuke turned his red eyes on him. "What did you say?" he asked quietly.

Jugo gulped. "Um nothing, Sasuke-san." At Sasuke's glare, he corrected himself, "Sasuke-sama."

Sasuke smirked.

Suigetsu just kept staring down at the hideous, drab cloak. "I can't believe I agreed to join this team," he muttered.

Sasuke chose to ignore that and instead smiled creepily at his subordinates. "All right, let's go kill my brother! Now that we have cloaks like these, we can't lose!"

Karin smiled back at him, easily losing her frustration to her feelings of lust.

Jugo and Suigetsu exchanged a glance, but they knew they would have to shut up and go with Sasuke. If they tried to escape, who knew what he would do to them? He was insane, and clearly did not think the cloaks were as ugly as everyone else felt they were.

"Deidara-senpai, Deidara-senpai!" Tobi screamed. "Look at this butterfly I found!"

Deidara glanced at the tacky pink plastic thing in Tobi's hand. "That's really tacky, un," he said.

Tobi frowned beneath his mask. "Well, I like it, senpai." He stuck the pink thing to his cloak and beamed down at it. "Yay! It's pretty now!"

"The cloak was already cool, un. You don't need to ruin it with that thing, un."

"But, but senpai! This is pretty!"

Deidara groaned and continued to paint his nails.

Team Kurenai and Kakashi finally had their cloaks, and, with Naruto satisfied that they all looked cool enough, they set out to find an Akatsuki member to capture and torture to get information about Itachi.

Naruto was still hoping they could just find Sasuke first and wow him with their Awesome Cloaks to the point that he came home with them willingly, but he accepted that brute force may become necessary.

After all, Sasuke had never demonstrated a very good sense in fashion. His hair looked like a chicken's butt, and he thought orange was a horrible color. Anyone who disliked orange in clothes obviously does not know how to dress.

**AN: Hey wait, was Deidara still alive in this episode? Oh well.**


End file.
